08 May 2005

Last time I checked....

As far as I know, it takes two people to make a relationship. Both people have to put an effort into making it work. If one person give up, a relationship is still possible, but it's extremely difficult.

It also takes two people to break a relationship. Sure, I've gone out with my share of assholes, but eventually I've been able to realize that nothing that happened in the context of the relationship was entirely their fault. Or, for that matter, mine. Specifically, even though the Tim was fairly emotionally abusive, cheated on me constantly (lucky I didn't know at the time...), and he was well-versed in mooching off other people, I made mistakes too. Mistake number one, not breaking up with him sooner. I kid. The big mistake was the games I played to manipulate him when we were together. I'm not proud of it, but I did it. A lot.

Now it kind of frightens me to know that I'm, capable of that level of deception and coercion. And it's probably why I have such high standards when it comes to honesty and openness. I also try to withdraw when things are getting too tense or out of hand so I have time to examine the situation. I don't think it always works, but I try to be aware.

What's my point? Well, it upsets me when people don't take responsibility for themselves, period. But when that shirking results in direct harm to another person, I get incensed. When I'm close to that person, it's even worse. But in this case, I'm impotent. I have no direct connection with the conflict, I'm obviously partisan, and I have no right to say anything or interfere.

But this is my blog, so I can talk.

If a person moves across the country, and tells their partner that they don't want them to come too, then they made a choice to leave the relationship. Coming back a few months later to "talk about it" (and then shutting the conversation down with unreasonable travel conditions) is not the same thing as "offering to give it another go." Insisting on being offended when someone who is hurt by your actions tell you (even impolitely) to leave them alone, is preposterous.

All the posturing in the world isn't going to change the facts. Sometimes you just have to accept that you made a mistake and deal with it. Sometimes you have to accept that you hurt someone and deal with it. Sometimes you have to accept the hurt that someone else inflicted and deal with it.

And after you deal with it, let it go. People make mistakes; some bigger than others. People hurt others; sometimes worse than others. People get hurt; sometimes worse than others.

But if you aren't genuinely examining your part in a situation to see how your actions may have contributed to it, then you can't go pointing the finger at others.

Take responsibility for your own life, and learn to let go of the bad things that happened in the past. You'll be a lot happier. Trust me.


1 comment:

Agate said...

I agree. The same thing upsets me. I at least knew the other person in question, but maybe it wasn't my place to say anything. It sure felt good though!!
By the way, I trained for your company the other day. It was fun. Thanks for the connection!