31 March 2005

In all honesty...

I actually did cry. A lot. I could still, but I'm at work so it seems ill-advised. I have a cubicle with no doors. And people in this office are nosy.

I can't even summon the spark that fired the blog in the first place.

Therapy is over-rated.

30 March 2005


I want to cry.

I just spent the better part of an hour crafting a very detailed blog about God, religion, spirituality, and my beliefs.

Despite all the work and research and effort I put into the last 50 minutes of blogging, I overlooked the need to save my work frequently. When I finally thought to save a draft, it was too late. It's gone.

I guess it's not meant to be.

And I'm not okay with that.

26 March 2005

I was doing so well!

And then it all collapsed. It started at 3:30 Thursday morning when I awoke to find my throat in flames. Not a pleasant awakening. Yet, I called it.

By the time I got up to go to work I was thinking, "Hmm. I don't feel so great." By the time I drove across the bridge, I was thinking, "I think I'm dying." At the very least, I shouldn't have been driving. Nothing made sense. When I picked up Andrew, I asked him to drive. I thought it would be safer.

What followed were 6 barely productive hours of torture. I couldn't do anything lateral, so I spent time overhauling a contact database. Changing provinces from "New Brunswick" to "NB", and other life-or-death changes.

At 2, Amanda D. and I had a meeting up on the Fort. How painful. Not only did we walk there (ill-advised due to the fact that everything in me hurt), but the entire meeting consisted of walking because it was a Fam (familiarization) Tour.

We got back to the office at 3. I promptly packed up and left. I had to get the bus to Andrew's to pick up my car and it was the longest bus ride ever. And remember, I spent 4 days straight in a car. I was hurting, my Tylenol was wearing off, the bus was crowded, there was traffic, and I swear we stopped at 99% of the stops. All so I could save $14 in parking at the parkade. In that case, it just wasn't worth it.

By the time I got home, I was almost in tears. Normally, I whine a lot when I'm sick, but I'm usually sick so often that I can generally handle it. In this case, I was a wreck. Except for a sniffly cold at New Year's and a sinus infection that was such a blip, I don't even remember when it was, I haven't been sick all winter. That's near-miraculous for me. So fever, aches and pains, fidgetiness, sore throat, and cough were pretty much doing me in. I was unable to function without my Tylenol. I became a slobbering, whining, moaning, wimpering half-wit.

Since then, I've basically been asleep. The aches are gone, except that my back hurts. Now it's mostly my sore throat. On Foo's suggestion, I took some Advil. Fingers crossed.

I don't know if this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, or a cosmic cruel joke. Almost 2 weeks ago I said to Foo, "I'm going to be sick for St. Patrick's Day!" because I had the sniffles. Then I said, "And if I'm not sick then, I'll be sick for Easter. I haven't been sick all winter, and it's a long weekend. Just wait."


Happy Easter.

23 March 2005

New lines of communication

New blog template, updated links. You like?

Apparently somebody didn't get my memo because it's snowing again. This makes me sad. And while I understand that it's a product of the place in which I choose to live, I reject the notion that winter can continue to invade my life days into spring.

My birthday is in a month. It's going to be on a Saturday and I want to do something BIG. I'm open to suggestions. An event planner should have ideas, but I can never seem to get my friends to agree on a time or place. Last time I said, "Fuck it. I'll make the plans and whoever gives a shit will show up," I ended up being a little disappointed. Last year, I didn't really do much. Went out to dinner with my parents and Jenni, then back to my house where a couple of friends did show up. I was a little drunk, and they somehow thought that it would be fine to bring an 18 year-old who went to the high school where I was doing my practicum. I was not impressed. Did I mention I was a little drunk? Wine, gin, and sake will do that to a person. Having a student in your basement will sober you up quickly. I didn't realize it right away, until he said something about so-and-so being his teacher.

"Great. I'm going to get fired (again), and I haven't even started teaching yet."

Maybe that's supposed to be a sign. The year before, I was almost fined by a w/v cop for public intoxication. I don't even try to break the law. It's like the law breaks itself in my presense.

If I ever come across a dead body, I will not dial 9-1-1. I will walk away quickly and wait for someone else to find it.

19 March 2005

Let's not make generalizations....

Just took a Personality Disorder Test online. I'm not as crazy as I thought I was.


How's your personality?

11 March 2005

Week Two

I worked 54 hours last week. By the end of today, I will have worked 46 hours. On the bright side, I get paid for every single one of those hours. On the dark side, it may lead to my premature death.

My body is screaming at me: "We've done nothing for SIX WEEKS!! What are you DOING?!?!"

I tend to agree. This was not a case of "easing" back into it. I'm going full tilt. And while every hour might not be as productive as it could be (note, I'm writing a blog while at work), it doesn't change the fact that I'm still adjusting to early mornings and a moderately "normal" sleep schedule.

I'm glad to be back. I'm slowly gaining confidence that I can actually do this job.

It's not all smooth sailing. Today Beth took a project from me at the last minute and still hasn't indicated whether I did a good job, or totally crapped out. She's usually better at feedback. But I'm now jumping into a couple of less intense projects, so I'm sort of glad for the shift in responsibility.

Next up, planning a luncheon for rabid tourism people. Yum!

I'm tired.

04 March 2005

Have I told you lately...

I love Matthew Good. I really do.

First see this: http://www.michaelmoore.com/_media/oreilly5th.mov

Then see this: http://www.parisbusinessreview.com/

I found it all on MG's site. Brilliant.

02 March 2005

The end of an era

So, maybe I wasted five years of my life, maybe I didn't. Specifically, maybe I inflicted myself to two years of near Hell, maybe I didn't.

No experience is wasted, right? Right?!

My teaching "career" is over. Ostensibly.

I may eat my words in June if this EM contract doesn't get extended....

My last sub day was Friday. I taught the computer geeks again, and was reminded of how boring subbing is. The upside was that I was finished at 11:30, and the teacher I was in for advised me to go home and enjoy the day.

And that was it. Very unceremoniously, the 2004/2005 segment of my teaching career is over, and is a strong signal that it could be quite a while before I step into a classroom again. The teachers who call me regularly are disappointed. And I'm sad to disappoint them. But I don't think they understand how hard it is for new teachers. They see the new Ed grads parade in year after year all with the same aspirations. They see the new grads become old subs, looking anywhere and everywhere for a term contract. And when they finally make probation, they take subjects there weren't trained to teach just to secure that job and make it permanent. That's a broken system, and I'm not sad to have escaped it. The disenchantment is too strong.

I am sad that I gave up on it so quickly, and that my dream barely passed muster with reality.

01 March 2005

The drought is over

This isn't like the last drought. That one hasn't been an issue in... oh, about 2 months....

I speak of the work drought.

It is a well-known occurance in my life that, if I want anything to happen, all I have to do is make myself unavailable. In this case, a road trip sufficed nicely.

Whilst I was (painfully) traversing somewhere in NB, Beth finally called! Of course, since I was in pain in No Funswick, I missed the call, but there was a message taped to the bathroom mirror when I got home. I figured it was too late to call back, but when I checked my "work" e-mail (for some reason, I retained access, even though I wasn't an employee), I saw that she'd sent me a message urging me to call her at home.

When I called, she wanted me to come in to the office right away to talk. Having just got home from my crazy road trip, I knew that there was no way I'd make it in for a 9 am meeting, so I told her that I had some appointments and would try to pop in sometime in the afternoon. That didn't happen (since I didn't get out of my pjs until 2 pm). So, I called her and asked to come in at 9 am on Thursday, and asked if she would forward me any available details of her offer.

She did. I almost shit myself.

Not really. It was a real job offer. Not a permanent job offer, but a start.

The details:

I started yesterday. I'm mostly doing business development and administrative support. The wage is good (I bill hourly). It could be better, but I have ideas. The biggest downside is that it's not permanent. It's a three-month term. But BossLady stressed that there is an excellent chance that it won't end at the end of May.

So, that's the big news. I'm diving right into it, and trying to avoid full-on panic that results from a fear that someone might discover my incompetence.

I'm just glad to be back.

Next time: The Consequences