19 January 2005

Residue

In the past 36-48 hours, I've been thinking about Tim quite a bit. While I generally like to pretend that he no longer exists as a person, a recent (upsetting) conversation with Andrew, brought him to front-of-mind again.

I realized that there's a difference between getting out and getting over. This might be why, when he comes up in conversation, I become a geyser of bitterness, resentment, and anger. After the inital break, the suicide watch, and acceptance, I was relieved. I was so happy to be out, so happy to have escaped, so happy to be alone... I left it at that.

With the exception of Amanda (the first person I told due to her catalystic statement that resulted in my action), and Jillian, most other people heard the news as a reference of JOY. I was elated and excited to have gotten through it alive.

I've been carrying the relief with me for three and a half years. It turns out that it's not enough.

It doesn't help that I have recently been made aware that Tim was (how shall I say this?) a whore. Despite his ardent and earnest declarations of love and devotion (and co-dependence), it turns out that there were anywhere in the neighbourhood of 3-7 other women. That I know of. And I now know about these because of some people I recently met who knew him before, during, or after our relationship. In a few cases, these were people I didn't know existed, but that he was "good friends" with. So, what did I know? I believed him when he said he was going to Rob's or Adam's (I can't be bothered with psuedonyms for one mention) to play video games. I would tell him to call me the next day. Now it seems that I was much deceived. He didn't have a cell phone, and I was the one who'd play the games trying to make him jealous.

I'm not overly surprised to find out that he was cheating. He's unscrupulous. He didn't care that his best friend had feelings for me. He had no problems destroying his own (and some of my) friendships over it. I understand now that it's part of the cycle. Isolation equals control.

I'm more surprised that he didn't get caught. I'm also surprised at the amount of emotional flak I took for not being up to various things that he was probably getting elsewhere. I'm surprised that I took it, and surprised that he'd have the audacity to dish it out.

So, oops. It turns out that I'm still a wreck about it. It turns out that this is one of those things I buried, somehow thinking that it would never be relevent again.

It turns out that I'm okay with this, but it still sucks.

There is no conclusion. It's an ongoing process. But, it turns out that I'm actually kind of excited about it.

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