22 January 2005

Let go

So, I've been having a shitty week. Or, so I've been telling everyone.

I guess that's just too bad for me. It's really hard to feel sorry for yourself when your capacity for self-pity has an inverse relation to how pitiful you really are.

So I'm unemployed. Big deal. Besides making it clear at the office that I want a job, I haven't done anything to rectify my unemployed status. I haven't looked in the paper, or at online job sites. Now I'm faced with the possibility that I'm holding out false hope. Depending on the teacher's union vote next week, I may look into applying for something educational next year. But that would still be 7-8 months away. It's stupid, having finally consolidated ideas and plans into something you know you want to do, and then realizing that you might not get to, so suck it up and move on....

So the movies on my list are feeling more like a chore than a fun project. They won't all suck. I guess I'm more used to movies being a social activity, though. When I have a movie on, I'm constantly walking over to my computer to see if anyone is online. I'm paying attention to the movie, but I'm also aware that I usually do movies with friends.

So I have nothing to occupy my time. This is actually total and utter bullshit. I have a story I've been ignoring for over three years. I have reading to do for my Management course. I have 8000 pictures to put into albums. I have skis and furniture to sell (and buyers?). It's not that I have nothing to do, it's that I have nothing to do to make me busy enough to think I have no time to do those things. As I said the other day, procrastinating is a lot more fun when you have something to do. Maybe I've programmed myself to believe that I need to always have something to do in order to get anything done. I need people and events to make demands on my time so I can point out how busy I am, and so that, when I do get downtime, I can either relax without impunity, or feel accomplished for getting some of my other shit done. Maybe I should see a hypnotist.

And so I have to "babysit" my grandfather this weekend. My parents have gone to some function or other in MB, and he spontaneously decided -- after weeks of begging to go home -- that he was going to stay until the end of the month; even though my parents were planning to be away, and he knows that I'm barely home for 6 minutes in a row on the weekends. But, wah, wah, wah. He's my grandfather. I don't really know how to get along with him, but he's 87.5 and he won't be here forever. So it's "inconvenient". Boo hoo. As Richard Carlson would say, "Will this matter a year from now?" Either it will because I will be glad to have made the decision to spend some time with my grandfather, or it won't, because it won't rate. So, it's either positive or neutral. I think I can suck it up for one weekend.

So, having realized that I'm not spontaneously going to come into a large sum of money (unless Lani or I win Super 7 some day), and that I won't be taking a fabulous tropical vacation to help launch me out of my midwinter blues, it's time to get a grip and do something.

Details to be announced at a later date.

1 comment:

Me said...

Hey now, we WILL win the Super 7 one day. I'm counting on it for my retirement! ;)