04 March 2004

Self-fulfilling prophecy

I scared the shit out of myself last night. I decided that I would try some relaxation techniques. I need to get to sleep, I said to myself. I'm getting up early to go to the doctor, and I don't want to feel like ass and not get out of bed. What can I think about that's relaxing? Tripper.

Bad idea. Not only did I totally depress myself thinking of my poor puppy, but I was also struck by a bolt of rememberance.

I remember once saying to myself (and possibly others) that I didn't have time for boys and relationships because I was too busy loving Tripper. There wasn't room for anyone else.

Now, Foo just wisely pointed out that that was an excuse for not putting in any time or thought or effort into external relationships, but that doesn't fully satisfy the underlying fear. I don't care how much you want to believe that something is true, or how easy it is to make up excuses for why you say you want your life to be exactly how it is. You can't manufacture possibilities out of thin air just because you've hit the milestone you set for yourself. Sure, some people do, but I consider them grab-what-you-can/anything-at-any-cost people. I'm not one of those.

What's my point.

What I said wouldn't happen until my dog died (allow me the melodramatic emphasis), could be happening. How could I make that up!? I have it documented!

Now I'm scared.

This isn't like people who say they're going to have a terrible time at a party and then have a terrible time because they're predisposed to being cranky. This is my sanity! No, wait. It's not that bad.

This is something that I said years ago, when my dog was healthy and there was no pressure (not that there's pressure now.... WAAAAH!) What am I trying to say?

Okay, could an internal thought be so intense that you actually create the conditions for it to exist in reality?

Or, is it all just one big coincidence?

My head hurts. :(