29 March 2004

Doom and Gloom

I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm feeling really strange tonight. I have this feeling. I don't know what it is. It doesn't feel like nervousness, or panic, or anxiety. I guess I'm feeling a little lonely, but that's not overwhelming. Something just feels wrong. I really don't like it. I'm not getting my work done. Well, I did it, but it doesn't feel done. I can't think. I'm distracted. I don't know how to explain it, but it's annoying and it freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable with myself.

I think I'd enjoy a chance to curl up in bed and not move for a few days.

Can't do that, though. Have to get up every day and be perky and teach!

New group of kids this time out. All new names and faces to learn. That's going to be frustrating. I'm definitely interested in what I'll be doing, though. I love Drama. I have to get back into the swing, though. I hate mornings. It's a learned hate, but I'm not ready to unlearn it.

I thought that a quick blog might relieve some of the mental and emotional pressure I'm feeling, but to no avail. Maybe what I need is another early night. And some Sailor Moon.

27 March 2004

Two days and many drugs make a big difference

I'm feeling tons better, but am still not 100%, and I know that I feel much more capable than I am. Case in point, went out yesterday to do many errands that were delinquent. By the time I got home, I was DEAD. The only thing that kept me up was the promise of a special Dinner Out with the 'rents -- a guilt-induced offering inspired by my illness, and their going on a cruise!

I'm back to teaching on Monday. I have lesson planning to do (excitement). Actually, I am rather excited to go back. I love Drama, and te school is pretty great too. My schedule is different, so I'm not going to be spending off periods with the same backwards group as last time. Okay, that's not fair. They weren't backwards. They were quite nice. But they were strange. There's a mental shallowness that permeates the group. I'm a little nervous about sinking myself into that again. I'm going to test this theory that I have more to do with people's weirdness than I previously believed. At least, in relation to me.

There is confirmation that I will be going to Europe this summer! I'm really excited! Details pending, but I'm stoked!

25 March 2004

Karma's a bitch

I spent too much time gloating about how I got an entire week off before practicum, and as a result, I'm sick. No fair.

I woke up Sunday feeling a little poopy. Overly tired, and sensitive to my environment. By Monday, the cough started, but nothing serious. By Tuesday, the snotty head invaded, too. Didn't go to my Lit class; instead stayed home and watched the live broadcast (lovin' technology). Yesterday, was relegated to spending entire day not moving. Sat on couch and knit for a while. Otherwise, spent day in bed, moaning.

Today, sore throat. Not getting better, getting worse. Managed to score face time with el doctor. He will determine whether the white spots mom identified are malignant or a reflection of the flashlight. Oh, goody. More antibiotics.

My favourite part, though, has to be the bizarre, drug-induced dreams. I have to take something at night to stop the snot, and knock me out. It causes some interesting neuron firing in my brain. Tuesday night, it was all about boys. But it's last night's that has me thinking. I had a dream about Daphne. I think it upset me a little. She was living with a couple of her friends from here, for some reason (although I don't remember if we were here or there). I was hurt that I hadn't been asked, and while I don't smoke the quantities of anything (cigs or other) that they do, I was just sad that I hadn't been considered.

I guess I'm missing her. She was a good friend for a long time. I think it's been over a year since I've talked to her. E-mails go unanswered, and phone calls are hard to make with a 5 hours time difference. When I do manage to call, there's no answer. I know I should just let it go. I know she's really busy with her program, and her life. I just miss the talking.

I have lots of great friends now. They all have elements of her. But every so often, I get that hankering for the original.

Especially when I've spent 3 days alone, in bed.

I hear it's sunny out today. Looking forward to seeing for myself.

Oh, and the exciting news: Got me a second interview with the London people! They're 99.9% certain that I'm what they're looking for. I have to peruse my portfolio at some point to make me look extra fun, smart, witty, and cosmopolitan.

Mail's here. I'm going to hoist my ass out of bed and see if there are bills for me. WHEEEEE!

18 March 2004

Things I miss:

My dog
My Grandmother
Fighting with my brother
Ally McBeal (Seasons 1-3)
My So-called Life
The easy way
Thinking I knew everything
Ignorance of how backwards people can be

13 March 2004

A boo-boo of epic proportions

Don't you hate when you write a really long e-mail or an essay or a blog and something screws up and it disappears? Yup. Well, that's what happened yesterday, so no one gets to read my epic story about The Date, the trip to w/v, the end of the strike, or my first "week" back at school. I wrote it all out yesterday, and it's gone. I had even copied it into the clipboard so I wouldn't lose it. But an internet spasm shut down my computer, and I lost everything.

So, too bad for you. And too bad for my lack of record of the events of my life. Guess I'll just have to use my brain.

04 March 2004

Self-fulfilling prophecy

I scared the shit out of myself last night. I decided that I would try some relaxation techniques. I need to get to sleep, I said to myself. I'm getting up early to go to the doctor, and I don't want to feel like ass and not get out of bed. What can I think about that's relaxing? Tripper.

Bad idea. Not only did I totally depress myself thinking of my poor puppy, but I was also struck by a bolt of rememberance.

I remember once saying to myself (and possibly others) that I didn't have time for boys and relationships because I was too busy loving Tripper. There wasn't room for anyone else.

Now, Foo just wisely pointed out that that was an excuse for not putting in any time or thought or effort into external relationships, but that doesn't fully satisfy the underlying fear. I don't care how much you want to believe that something is true, or how easy it is to make up excuses for why you say you want your life to be exactly how it is. You can't manufacture possibilities out of thin air just because you've hit the milestone you set for yourself. Sure, some people do, but I consider them grab-what-you-can/anything-at-any-cost people. I'm not one of those.

What's my point.

What I said wouldn't happen until my dog died (allow me the melodramatic emphasis), could be happening. How could I make that up!? I have it documented!

Now I'm scared.

This isn't like people who say they're going to have a terrible time at a party and then have a terrible time because they're predisposed to being cranky. This is my sanity! No, wait. It's not that bad.

This is something that I said years ago, when my dog was healthy and there was no pressure (not that there's pressure now.... WAAAAH!) What am I trying to say?

Okay, could an internal thought be so intense that you actually create the conditions for it to exist in reality?

Or, is it all just one big coincidence?

My head hurts. :(