26 October 2003


Or maybe, or maybe, or maybe.

Maybe I always knew it was a bad idea. Maybe I deserve better.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

22 October 2003

I am the Lizard Queen!!

It's hard to be completely perky when you're convinced that the cold of the year is trying desperately to invade your lungs. I'm ill-equipped to deal with it right now. I have too much to do. This is probably why my brain won't work, though. It was awful. Last night, Matt came over and we were going to just work and work and work on one of our many assignment. When I say "our", I don't mean that they were projects together, just mutual work -- since I'm in all of his classes. As far as actual work went, we did virtually nothing. We found a few sites and a couple of things we could print off or manipulate, but really, we didn't do much. In the end, we just ended up piled on the couch watching bad sitcoms, and then Family Guy before I took him home. Confusion still reigns. But maybe it's more fear than confusion. Or maybe it's just safer. Wait, not maybe. It is. Because if it weren't a safer option, there would be no need for fear. And of course, there's the prevailing feeling that I fucked up so royally last year, that it wouldn't matter anyway.

Blah. That's not what I woke up this morning to write. I wanted to write about how I could get a drama placement for my practicum. There are a limited number of teachers I'm allowed to work with, and I don't know whether any of them will take a student teacher. But JV is looking into it for me. So, yea!! I'm excited! I am the Lizard Queen!

18 October 2003

Notes and quotes

I saw Ann-Marie MacDonald read from her new book, The Way the Crow Flies, last night. It was AMAZING!! She is such a great presence on stage.

I was a little unsure as to whether I wanted to buy the book (which runs almost $40 -- hardcover), because her last book Fall on Your Knees was extremely graphic, and more then a little disturbing in places. But she is such a fascinating writer.

She caught me on the first line. I don't know if it was how she was reading, or the words themselves, but I'm eager to get at it now. I did shell out the $40 -- for a signed copy, too -- but I figure I can turn it into a Christmas present for my mom.

MacDonald's oral reading is great. I think it has something to do with being an actor as well. She doesn't act out every movement, but she makes the appropriate facial expressions, uses "tones" for the father or the brother or whomever is speaking. And generally puts all the inflection into it that you need to feel the mood. I don't know if I would have read the opening lines the way she spoke them. But now, hearing how the author herself intended them to be read, I know how to begin.

Had dinner with Nancy last night (also my date for the reading). Good times as always. We have such great conversations, and she thinks like I do, so she doesn't think I'm off the wall, but she also doesn't let me get away with anything. She's really busy and stressed because of school, plus she's training and raising money to run a marathon for arthritis. Initially she was going to try to raise twice as much money as she needed and I was going to get to go to the marathon too (in DisneyWorld!!!), but with only a couple of hundred dollars to go, I think she's running out of ideas for how to get it. Plus, she needs to really concentrate on the running. She's supposed to do 13 km tomorrow and she's scared. But I know she can do it, because she used to think that 5 was a big deal.

My parents are still enjoying Europe. They switch locations today, but I'm not quite sure where they're going. They left a phone number and that's all that I care about.

I had to go to a funeral on their behalf on Thursday. That wasn't much fun. I did get to see some people I haven't in a while, so that was nice. I got Uncle Brian's (not a real uncle, but a former employer) new card, so I'm going to give him a shout. I'm hoping he can give me some work over Christmas. Or at least take his favourite starving student out for a bite. He thinks I'm wasting my time in Education. He doesn't doubt that I'll make a great teacher, but he thinks I'm better suited to the business (read: event planning) world. And maybe someday I will. I doubt that I'm going to teach high school forever. Besides wanting to get my PhD at some point so I can teach university, event planning is something I enjoy very much. But it's stressful and I don't know if I could do it all the time. Plus, like Uncle Brian, I really hate schmoozing. And you have to do a lot of it when you run events.

I have to get ready to head back to w/v. I have work to do!

17 October 2003

It's my life. You live yours.

Okay, so I think it's time to intervene on my own behalf. I had hoped to avoid this, because from what I'm hearing, I think it's only going to enflame things more. But apparently my silence isn't helping either.

Robyn recently posted a blog lamenting the collape of roommateness between Estelle and I. In it she mentioned numerous attempts on my part to make contact, and noted that Estelle has been making inflamatory comments, "Evidently, it is not a far jump from space issues to slander." But she didn't state what those comments were.

In the comments section, Kaye then requested that Robyn butt out (my interpretation), asked for people not to pass judgement (a statement which I greatly appreciated), and requests that everyone let Estelle and I resolve things in our own good time.

So Robyn, after checking with me, posted the ICQ conversation she had with Estelle in which the stability of my mental state is called into question. I had read this conversation myself -- ICQ history can be a handy tool when one wants to validate infomation -- and was extremely upset by the comments made by Estelle because I didn't understand how a space issue turned into conjecture on my mental health. So, since I didn't think it was fair that Robyn was being accused (because that is how it seemed) of spreading rumours, when she was only making allusions to words actually written by my fellow disputee, I allowed her to post the evidence of which she spoke.

Now there is a reply from Estelle herself. More words. It makes my head spin. I have a headache. I'm still not sure where all this comes from.

I was originally going to post a rebuttal to said comment, but now I'm not going to. I don't see the purpose, since it won't accomplish any sort of change. All I'm going to do is point out that I have yet to say anything -- positive or negative -- about what's going on. I have tried. I have saved my evidence of that, but the only person who should see it is the person to whom it was sent in the first place. I won't even make allusion to what I said in those attempts, because it isn't anyone else's business. I will, however, state that Robyn isn't lying. She was BCCed in every correspondence attempt (as was a professor in 2 cases) because I trusted her to let me know if/when I said anything that could be portrayed as a verbal attack.

I will say this, though: I don't know how "She went nutso on practicum in Dec....." could be taken "out of context". But I also don't really care for an explanation.

People make up their own minds. I firmly believe that. And I refuse to engage in the mudslinging to which I feel I've been subjected over the past two weeks. I know who my friends are.

As I tell everyone; remember, you don't exist in a vacuum: The things you do have an effect, whether you realize it or not.

10 October 2003

The times they are a changin'.

I'm in shock. I can't believe it. They actually left.

For the first time in my life, I have to fend for myself on Thanksgiving. My parents went to Italy for 2 weeks. They left this evening. My brother is in T-dot, "housepoor", and unable to come home. So, instead, I'm doing it myself!

Well, not all by myself. Nayana is coming down and we're cooking a turkey. She's cooking after the actual turkey and I have stuffing. My dad prepared a Cranberry Relish for me to bring that smells and tastes yummy! I'm doing my potatoes, Robyn and Kurt are bringing carrots. Nayana's roomate, sister and bf will be there also. I might see if the sister can provide either a dessert or a green vegetable. So, that's seven.

Like I said, I'm sad. But I think I'll be okay. And if this plan hadn't worked out, I'm sure I could have convinced my parents to send my sorry ass to T-dot.

Come to think of it, what's wrong with me!? I could have gone shopping! I could have gone to to "Mamma Mia!" I could have seen Jenn & Justin! I could have... drawn even more comparaisons to how different this Thanksgiving will be to every one I've ever known.

At least this way, I can do it the way I like. Not that I don't love my brother, but I don't know if a turkey for 3 in a big city would have cut it for me. At least this way, I have something new to look forward to. Actually, I think I wish they'd sent Michael home. :( It must be worse for him.

I will call him and say nice things on Sunday. :) I will even write a note so I don't forget. :D

I am tired and must sleep.

Oh, yes. And ditto to the last blog.

04 October 2003

Yup, I'm bitter.

Some people deserve each other.

I wish they'd stay away from me.