26 September 2003

Settling in

Wow. I'm tired. Who knew that three little boys could cause so much exhaustion? So, next time someone asks me why I'd be so crazy as to teach psycho high school kids, instead of cute elementary kids, I'll relate to them the experience of this night, which I wouldn't have survived without the help of Phil. I'm not going to say I've had miserable kids. Marty is right, they are great boys. There's no evil in them. But I fed them lots of sugar (which was probably ill-advised) dragged them out to the ski hill to wander around a crowded sale floor, and didn't give them supper until almost 8 pm. I have no curiosity; I know exactly why they were WACKO! They're finally asleep. Ah, quiet. :) I'm stopping at 2, and they'd better not both be boys. :S

Adjustment in the apartment is going well. I really feel more settled. Other things in my life, however, are unsettled. I'm feeling out of sorts with a few people, and that's really thrown me off kilter. I guess I decided to hinge my self-worth on others just as they decided to make themselves unavailable to me. I had a great long talk with Nancy this afternoon and she helped. People do like me. This is temporary. I didn't come here to make friends. Making friends is a bonus to getting through an amazing program that'll get me an amazing job that'll help me work towards even more. It's all process.

ACK! I sound like my profs!

There's a semi-formal tomorrow night. I guess I'm going to go. I don't have a whole lot of enthusiasm for it right now because of the shittyness. I think Estelle is otherwise occupied with a visit from her dad, Nina has been steadily avoiding me for 3 days, and I'm not sure why. I guess I'll talk to Steph tomorrow and see if I can tag along after her.

I know it's negative thinking to put it like that. I should beat myself up. She won't consider it tagging. And once I get there, it'll be tons of fun, I'm sure. I guess I'm just scared because of what is (or isn't) happening with Nina. I can't think of anything I might have done. It's selfish to think that it has anything to do with me. Something else could be wrong. Maybe she's avoiding everyone. I guess I just prefer when someone either talks to me or tells me to fuck off. That's what I would do, but I can't expect the same reactions and behaviours from everyone else.

I love my friends. I really do. I just wish they would respect me enough to let me know what's going on, whatever the deal happens to be.

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