30 September 2003

WARNING: Self-indulgent blog ahead!

Blah! World of pukeage!! Not literally, but I'm feeling pretty ill right now, spurred on by the complete lack of sleep.

It's now 5:30 in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I'm up with anxiety. I was made to feel extremely stupid tonight; and while I don't plan to delve into details, I'm pretty upset about it. It doesn't seem fair to me that everyone has a right to their thoughts and feelings except me. I don't mean that literally. But that's how I've been made to feel and now I get to toss and turn all night wondering what's wrong with me, and being resentful of what I consider wilful ignorance.

I don't want to heap on the details right now, because then I'd have to think with some coherency and I'm not prepared to do that on zero sleep.

So, a nice blow to my self-worth because I get to feel like a shitty person no matter what I think or do. But, at least, in this case, I'm not alone in my shittiness.

26 September 2003

Settling in

Wow. I'm tired. Who knew that three little boys could cause so much exhaustion? So, next time someone asks me why I'd be so crazy as to teach psycho high school kids, instead of cute elementary kids, I'll relate to them the experience of this night, which I wouldn't have survived without the help of Phil. I'm not going to say I've had miserable kids. Marty is right, they are great boys. There's no evil in them. But I fed them lots of sugar (which was probably ill-advised) dragged them out to the ski hill to wander around a crowded sale floor, and didn't give them supper until almost 8 pm. I have no curiosity; I know exactly why they were WACKO! They're finally asleep. Ah, quiet. :) I'm stopping at 2, and they'd better not both be boys. :S

Adjustment in the apartment is going well. I really feel more settled. Other things in my life, however, are unsettled. I'm feeling out of sorts with a few people, and that's really thrown me off kilter. I guess I decided to hinge my self-worth on others just as they decided to make themselves unavailable to me. I had a great long talk with Nancy this afternoon and she helped. People do like me. This is temporary. I didn't come here to make friends. Making friends is a bonus to getting through an amazing program that'll get me an amazing job that'll help me work towards even more. It's all process.

ACK! I sound like my profs!

There's a semi-formal tomorrow night. I guess I'm going to go. I don't have a whole lot of enthusiasm for it right now because of the shittyness. I think Estelle is otherwise occupied with a visit from her dad, Nina has been steadily avoiding me for 3 days, and I'm not sure why. I guess I'll talk to Steph tomorrow and see if I can tag along after her.

I know it's negative thinking to put it like that. I should beat myself up. She won't consider it tagging. And once I get there, it'll be tons of fun, I'm sure. I guess I'm just scared because of what is (or isn't) happening with Nina. I can't think of anything I might have done. It's selfish to think that it has anything to do with me. Something else could be wrong. Maybe she's avoiding everyone. I guess I just prefer when someone either talks to me or tells me to fuck off. That's what I would do, but I can't expect the same reactions and behaviours from everyone else.

I love my friends. I really do. I just wish they would respect me enough to let me know what's going on, whatever the deal happens to be.

22 September 2003

I'm trying

Wow. I'm busy. Between school, and life and FREAKING OUT, I can't keep up.

I really wish I could blog more often, but I can't put the time aside. The kitchen is constantly a mess (ARGH!), and I can't concentrate. It's all about adjusting. :P

More another time.

11 September 2003

Best Roommate Ever

Feeling much better. It's amazing what a lack of hormones can do to a person (especially this one).

I had a fun breakdown with Estelle on Monday night. I'm sure that put me right at the top of the "Best Roommate Ever" list. (Why can't I have "rolling eyes" smileys here like on MSN?) So many things to unload. Stress, exclusion, PMS, anxiety, the list goes on. She was so good about it and just let me cry. I don't know how long it had been since my last good cry. Ages, that I can remember. Well, months. It might have been December when I dumped Tom. Or January, when I reminded him that I dumped him. I can't recall any time over the summer, but at any rate, but felt good. A nice release.

The negativity has settled. I think things are a lot more open for everyone right now. For the most part. I have a sneaking suspicion that there's some resentment going on in some corners. I'm just trying to live my life and not go insane. I've been through the wringer in the last couple of weeks and I'm tired of having to prop others up at the same time. I don't resent it outright, I just wish that some people would have a little restraint and not assume that I'm a punching-bag/kleenex for unlimited use.

The first week of classes went relatively smoothly. I have enough anxiety to give a moose a heart attack, but I'm ready for this year. I don't expect great things, but I do expect things. I'm highly entertained by thoughts of what could be. It's also quite intimidating. But so far there's something good in each class, and that's a good first step. As with last year, there's quite a bit of group work, and the usual lesson planning. But still nothing scary like 12-page essays. I'll save those for next semester, I guess.

I'm in the city for the weekend. I saw Foo this afternoon. She's leaving shortly for a world backpacking tour. She could be gone anywhere from 8 months to a year. No Foo at Christmas; no comic superstar during stress. Woe is me. I'm really excited for her though. And a little jealous. It's going to be sooooooo fabulous!!

Other than that, I'm dogsitting and going to catch up with some people I've been neglecting since mid-August. Relatives are in town as well, and I must make an appearance! :)

Off to have a snack before din-din. Send love to those who need it!

05 September 2003

Self-indulgent

I guess I should just go to bed and not spend time being mopey online. I'm feeling a little blue, though. Perhaps lonely might describe it well, but it's a selfish lonely. Maybe it's because I'm tired and bored and don't have enough activity. Maybe it's frustration with some of the crap that's going on amidst my "community" here, but I'm a little frustrated and not in the mood to try to perk myself out of it right now.

There are a couple of people who deserve a good punch in the headfor being chronically unobservant and not just a little blind. Being self-aware is hard, but we're not talking quantum physics. If something is wrong then look at what you can do to fix it before you start blaming everyone else. If you've dane everything you can to try to fix something and you still see a problem, then take it that person and see what you can work out. It's not a big deal! This is going on with too many people right now. I'm even a little guilty of it myself. But there's so much negativity and I've only been here 3 days!!!

I want my mommy. :(

Before I set myself off into a flood of tears from exhaution, frustration, and loneliness, I shall go to bed.

Life is good. My father never held a gun to my head, so right off, I can count 2 people I'm ahead of. There are plenty of third world people who would love to have my first world problems. (Thanks, MG.)