20 March 2003

Rage

I don't know what happened to my blog. I minimized the window, and when I reopened it, my blog was gone. Less than 30 seconds and it all disappeared.

Sigh. Let's try again. Humiliating details are as follows: No, Kelly, I did not reunite with Tom. Quite frankly, I'm insulted that you would suggest that. I hope I'm more stable than to reinsert myself into a relationship that I know to be destructive. Even if I *did* believe he's capable of changing (which I don't), I'm not interested in being the one to change him, or in testing to see if that change is thorough and sincere. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that he'd be at the bar on Tuesday. He usually is. A small voice in the back of my mind was whispering how much fun it would be to watch him react to my presence. And it's true. It's generally an unpleasant encounter, but at the same time, he acts like that because I obviously still have the power to affect him. He despises that the most. But I knew it was false self-esteem. I was relieved when we got there and he wasn't. It was wrong to want to rile him. And I ultimately know that it wouldn't be fun. It would have been horrible, especially since he's so unpredictable. I mean, I never would have guessed that he was capable of a physical pseudo-assault. Every time I see him, there seems to be an escalation in his reaction.

Oliva asked yesterday if I ever felt threatened by him. I didn't have to blink. Of course I do. A month of verbal abuse, plus the nasty in-person encounters makes for a scared me. I told Olivia the whole story yesterday. She was pretty appalled at Tom's behaviour, especially when I told her how old he was. She applauded my initiative in detatching even though, emotionally, I was still engaged. She asked me how I plan to avoid similar relationships in the future. Now, I've always hated that question. I don't really think people should have an inventory of what they want in a mate, because it just sets unrealistic expectations. But she said to look at in terms of what I want to avoid. We only listed a couple of things, but they're pretty important.

Next boyfriend must have: Ambition to work towards REALISTIC goals; Sympathy for my neurosis; a REAL sense of humour -- not just someone who derides everyone because they think it's funny; a reasonable level of emotional maturity. It's a short list to start, but I'm not trying to exclude every male on the planet. Just the fuckwits I usually seem to attract.

Went to Open Mic Night last night. It was the last one for a lot of 2nd Years. Steve sang. That made me happy. Despite his self-deprecation, he has a nice voice, and plays really well. I had a good time, but that's when we found out that the US had started their attack on Iraq. This does NOT make me happy. I don't like war. I don't think it's necessary. I think there are other ways to handle conflicts. Look at it this way: How many times have you been able to bring someone around to your point of view by punching them in the nose? My guess is never. They may SAY they agree, while they secretly plot your demise, but the only way to really change someone's point of view is with words. I don't agree with this war at all. I disagree with attacking a population that is completely defenseless, and as no control over its government. I don't accept "Collateral Damage" as a necessary by-product of war.

I have to stop right now. I'm getting really upset about this. Maybe more about the subject later, maybe not.

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